Editor’s note: Regular commenter Meat has agreed to bring his inimitable style to the occasional local issue — in this case, one aspect of the campaign season.
Local elections always make me think of minor league baseball: The game is the same but you don’t recognize any of the players’ names or have any clue what position they play.
I’ll take in the occasional Schaumburg Flyers game because the beer is cheap and the bleachers are cheaper, but it’s hard to get overly excited when Peanut Williams takes a fastball out to center versus when Jim Thome steps up against the Tigers with the game on the line.
Village elections are the same way: the hype and excitement are just no match for the big leagues. CNN versus local access cable channel 119a. Just not the same.
About the only way most of us know any of the candidates (aside from if your neighbor’s wife happens to be running or a candidate gets pinched for shoplifting) is those cheap little yard signs cluttering everyone’s front lawns, not to mention more than a few weed-choked empty lots (I had no idea raccoons and possums could vote).
Nothing screams local election quite like the yard sign, and nothing brings more unwanted attention to your neighbor’s clumsy carpentry skills and lousy taste in paint.
Candidates see these signs as a prime way to achieve name recognition in a crowded field; I see prime examples of bad typography and that loose trim piece above your picture window that’s been hanging that way for the last three years! My God, didn’t Santa leave a hammer in your stocking this year?
Aside from my unabashed lack of familiarity with any of the candidates running for..anything..this year, I would never place a yard sign in front of my home for fear the neighbors would notice that I haven’t been trimming the hedges or that my Christmas lights are still shamelessly clinging to the gutter (I’m getting to it).
Really, do I care that the guy across the street is endorsing Edith Nesbitt for village council? Isn’t that the same neighbor who brought the Quinoa salad to the block party last year and proceeded to get drunk and lecture all of us about how turning vegan has been amazing for his sex life?
And you want me to vote for his candidate? Really? I may not know the hot-button local issues but I do know whom I’m not voting for. Quinoa, quin-no.
I have a theory on local elections. C all it the ‘This Old Election Theory.’ My theory states that a candidate’s position on any given issue is not nearly as influential or important to a perspective voter as the condition of the house that his or her yard sign occupies. Shallow yes, but completely true.
Don’t believe me? During our last mayoral election I was a new homeowner in town and given all the overtime I was working down at AIG, I didn’t have much time to research the candidates.
However, while scanning everyone’s front lawns at night while walking the dogs, one thing became obvious. The majority of homes that featured Krajewski signs needed exterior work. Not all, but most. I saw neglected rose bushes, peeling paint and the carcasses of old lawn ornaments.
By contrast, the homes that featured Sandack signs were either relatively new or had tasteful additions and well-maintained front lawns — and not an old TV antenna in sight.
Based upon my observations, it seemed this was an election pitting ‘old school’ Downers Grove against a more recent homeowner who desired a change from the status quo.
I didn’t follow the election, but I knew what the outcome was going to be. It was right there in the signs, or should I say crumbling behind them.
Based upon my theory, I have some advice for all of the candidates this election season. Your signs don’t tell me much, but the houses behind them do.
If I were running for a local office I would skip the cable access debates and meet-and-greets in the church basement (the coffee is always awful). Instead, I would use that time covertly sneaking around town under cover of darkness and inspecting the homes that featured my campaign signs.
Bring a tub of spackle and a Philip’s screwdriver — and perhaps some bail money for when the neighbors catch you in the hedges fixing the shutters at 2 a.m.
Good luck to all April 7th! (it is April 7th, right??)
Meat has been a resident in Downers Grove since 2004. Contrary to the above he has never worked for AIG, but instead works the nightshift as a loading dock foreman for a rubber tubing company in Stone Park. He has 2 kids and 2 dogs and thus lives in the house of crumbs and fur. His wife is very patient with him .
Meat! You missed your calling friend! Well done and humorous to boot! How about those sign steeling critters who come and swipe your chosend candidate’s sign after dark? EJ should have you as a regular once in a while contributer! You made my day!
Meat,
At the risk of offending loading dock foremen everywhere, something is not quite right.
Your presentation is articulate, entertaining, insightful, and void of misspelled words.
What gives? Who are you really?
I like your article Meat and enjoyed your analogy of minor league baseball and local elections. Most the campaigns that I have worked on are the underdog the guy that doesn’t a stand chance but its fun to work for a winner. In my opinion, I believe the local election is important than a general election. I hate to sound like an old man but it was fun handing out informational fliers to commuters getting off the train in the summer of 1989 in Downers Grove. I remember a few years ago while staying at my Grandparent’s house on the south of town(Downers) how there was a election sign in their front yard and find out it was not theirs. I asked their next door neighbor and he explain that there was this lady in the neighborhood who was placing her candidates’ yard sign between properties believing that line between two properties was nobody’s property therefore she can place her signs there. I thought that was funny but this person was committed to her candidate. If 80% of the population could just take the time (less than two minutes of their time, besides the commute) and vote, I think voting is the least a taxpayer can do. Reading from the Sun and EJ’s blog there seems to be a list of wonderful qualified candidates running for office in Downers Grove. I am thankful for that our forefathers gave us a right to have a choice come election time and more thankful for those in the serviced, in the military who ensure our right to vote. Board members, Mayors, and other offices might not solve all our problems but I got to believe that they are trying to improve our lives in a community setting. Readers on this blog are quick to point out I no longer live in Dowers but when I visit my Grandma in Downers and see my Grandpa’s 50-60 VHS tapes of city council meetings there are others that still love and care about Downers like he did. In the town I live in now we have a close city clerk’s race, and no I not going to vote party lines but for my neighbor who loves Rock Falls (lived here his whole life) like I love Downers. Another note, I have been voting since I was 18. I think I missed three elections, one while I was in basic training, and other two just one issue on the ballot. I am now 33, knock on wood I have never been called for jury duty. In my opinion there is no excuse not vote. One co-worker of mine told me he was not a property holder, but I was quick to point out that there was a sales tax issue on the ballot in the town he lived in at the time. I think there are more reasons to vote than not to vote. I remember watching Oprah when I was a kid an audience member stated that she didn’t like either of the two major candidates in 1984 and she wrote in Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. T The audience made a noise of disgust when she mention of writing in Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck but at least she exercise her right to vote. I am not promoting you write in Fictional cartoon characters for your vote. And Yes, I know sometimes office holders disappoint us but I think that is a lame excuse not to vote at all, somebody has to keep office holders honest.
i prefer the Kane County Cougars
Wait being a vegetarian improves your sex life?!
Seriously though, I never notice the condition of a house with a yard sign. I rather, look to who the house belongs to – I was actually surprised at who of my “friends” had Sandack signs and who had BK signs. This time around, as I drive around, I see all the people who know and friends with BK have Norris signs – except us – we took ours down – LONG story..
Our landscaping is being worked on and does need help – home exeterior is fine – driveway could be redone, but Meat if are you willing to pay for it – I am in
Anyway, I did like your post-very humourous and fun – light reading..
Please tell the LONG story, Debbie. We have time. You aren’t the only ones who Norris has rubbed the wrong way.
Also, Bob: You better watch out. With a name like Meat, he might take away your job.
I don’t have a personal experience with Norris. I just do not want to be involved with the quagmire that seems to be his electon. I was askled to put a sign in my yard so I did. But then hearing everything involved with the election and such, I opted to take it out of my yard – actually my husband took it down and I was about to ask him to, but he beat me to it.
Not really a long story after all I guess – I am only like 100% behind 2 candidates total and the rest, I have no idea who I am voting for yet – if I am voting…
The ones I am behind: Gary Lester (District 58) and Mr. Smith – forgot his first name – for Park Board.
A few others I will prob. vote for but the remainer no clue.
Good job, Meat.
I had a couple shutters blow off the house this winter. I put a Meat for Mayor sign out in the yard and left a screwdriver and some screws by the shutters on the back deck.
When you get time…
Mark.
I love it – ROFL – thanks for the Sat morning chuckle!
Meat:
Your article was just the kind of election satire this town needed. Keep it coming.
Thanks Yikes, that was my intent.
Judging by the rancor and false bravado in the election posts maybe I should write a follow up…
…do you want me to look at that landscaping while I’m at it Mark, your Gazing ball looks like it could use a polish…
Anyone notice the abundance of Norris signs still out in front of vacant houses on Main Street. Maybe, the Republican committeemen (except for Barnett) can go out there and take them down. I just saw Main Street, north of Ogden. How does the rest of the village look?